


The Mystery Of Lydia Deetz

by Valentine20xx



Category: Beetlejuice - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Compliant, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-18
Updated: 2019-08-18
Packaged: 2020-09-06 17:36:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20295373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Valentine20xx/pseuds/Valentine20xx
Summary: Beetlejuice is going down, having ended up in Afterlife Affairs finally so they can stiff him, after attempting one of the most audacious attempts to screw over the Afterlife bureaucracy.But, when they discover an inconsistency in Lydia's file, they discover that, maybe, just maybe... He's, for once,not guilty of anything at all...





	The Mystery Of Lydia Deetz

**Author's Note:**

> Beetlejuice © Tim Burton. Elements borrowed from Monkeybone © Henry Selick, based on concepts from Dark City © Kaja Blackley. Sailor Saturn © Toei Animation, and all are used without permission.
> 
> The only element taken from Monkeybone is Dark Town, which is used as a purgatory for the already dead, and it will not feature physically in the story. The timeframe of the story compared to the movie, The timeframe between scenes, and Lydia's age as a result, are left intentionally ambiguous due to plot reasons.  
I will use Beetlejuice when writing his name informally, and Betelgeuse when it's being used formally. Also, last I checked, It's not bad to use his name liberally, as long as you don't use it quickly in the same sentence.  
I wish to add that this story would be deader than BJ himself if a random FFn search didn't bring up the possibility the cartoon could be an _**earlier**_ forgotten meeting between Lydia and himself. When this thought hit this story's premise, it was like a freight train. _I finally had my story back._

Beetlejuice yawned. He'd accuse them of stiffing him, but he already knew what Juno would say, namely that you can't exactly 'stiff' someone who has already gone way past rigor mortis, and he already had a feeling Afterlife Affairs were having an absolute ball at his expense, having finally got him sent back to the office. This was pretty much a textbook Capone. He'd been got on a minor crime, and they could now do what they liked to him.  
They'd sent him right to the office, weren't even letting him go to his old place, and he knew there wasn't that many deadbeats possible, meaning the real way they were punishing him for what he did was to just sit here for eternity.  
"Nine trillion, nine hundred and ninety-eight billion, three hundred and eighty-three million, seven hundred and fifty thousand," He read out quietly, musing on the fact they were slowly approaching their one billionth corpse, "Wonder if that stiff will get an award for being their one billionth customer?"  
The head shrinker was long gone, as was the dead-beat who, presumably, tried to jump the line before Beetlejuice. Hell, the entire room had changed a few dozen times in the time he'd been waiting. He'd read every magazine, read the replacements for the magazines, and had finished the replacements for _those_ a few thousand deadbeats ago. He actually knew the corpse who replaced the magazines by name, he'd been there that long.  
"Will Mr. Geuse report to Juno's Office. I repeat, will Mr. Geuse report to Juno immediately," The intercom stated, "This is not a drill. She wants to actually speak to Mr. Geuse, so he should get there RIGHT NOW."  
Beetlejuice shrugged, watching as a weedy looking man did indeed get an award for being the one billionth customer. He'd love to know what kind of war bumped up the numbers.  
"Ahem, It's not my turn… I think that, depending on war, famine, pestilence and the other guy, I've probably got a coupl'a millenia to wait..." Beetlejuice quipped towards the intercom. However, similar to whenever he used his juice, that wasn't going to be. After she'd dealt with the one billionth corpse, Miss Argentina answered the office line, actually looking puzzled that she had to.  
"Nine trillion, nine hundred and ninety-eight billion, three hundred and eighty-three million, seven hundred and fifty thousand, You're up." She stated, before adding, "She sounds pissed. One billion and one, you're next after him. Sorry for the abrupt change of order. Clerical situation,"  
"There, your turn came up..." The intercom added, in the familiar voice of Juno, "SO GET OFF YOUR ASS AND GET HERE NOW!"  
"I get the message… I'm going, I'm going… Jeez, What the hell happened?" He mused. Something clearly had got their noses out of joint, if they actually needed to talk to him. He began to slowly walk through the offices, ogling some of the less horrifying female stiffs who were having their interviews. He was out of the waiting room, so he was going to make sure Juno waited for him as long as possible. He hated Afterlife Affairs, also known by anyone who dealt with it on a regular basis as Office Hell.  
If the red tape didn't end up mummifying you in legalese, the constant paperwork would bury you better than any shovel. He'd spent some time here, as part of his sentence for dying, then an even longer stint after his first attempt at bio-exorcism. Someone must have taken exception to his concerned attempt to not get there in a hurry, because his ogling time got cut heavily short, Juno's office door appearing in front of him after only a few minutes.  
He was even more sure that someone had used a modicum of spiritual power to get him there faster when he noticed Juno's expression. It was happy, almost gleeful. This was a courtesy meeting, the vultures, both literal and figurative, circling. He'd not be here for longer than a few minutes, then it would be over.  
He knew what was coming. Exorcism, probably painfully, what remained of his spirit being barely able to remember his name. All his deals, all the clauses in his bio-exorcism contract were null and void. And that was if he was lucky. He highly doubted that. Juno wouldn't look like that if he had a small chance at surviving.  
"Mr. Geuse? You don't mind if I call you that?" Juno drawled, Beetlejuice swallowing in worry, "I would use your full name, but we're still trying to find out HOW you put a summoning geas on your name..."  
"It was a deal with Rump-... Ah hell, You know who, Guys an expert on those..." Beetlejuice stated, Juno nodding with her cheerful facade cracking slightly. He knew he was cooked, but he had to make light of it, "But that doesn't matter does it. I'm getting the big E. Exorcism. You wouldn't be so happy to see me if it was anything less, and I know full well I broke several major-ass rules, even a few the ol' firefly hasn't ratified yet..."  
Juno scowled, but regained her professional demeanour quickly. "Please stop acting so familiar with the landlady..." Juno growled, before, smiling once more, as she stated, gleefully, "Anyway, You skipped Exorcism..."

He was about to ask how you could just _skip_ Exorcism, when it hit him like a ton of bricks. After dusting himself off, Juno eye-rolling, He knew what she meant. They were sending him to the one place nothing on Saturn would have to deal with him. Where his deals meant nothing. He'd not be going to Judge Mental for an exorcism trial.  
He'd done _far_ too bad a criminal act to get that kind and generous offer. There was only one punishment they reserved for someone who had meddled so severely in a textbook haunting, who had caused someone to end up with the Handbook, who had meddled in mortal affairs...

"I'm going D-O-W-N..." He stated, Juno nodding.  
"Internal Affairs right now have you up on another Capone," Juno declared, gleefully, confirming his earlier suspicions, "If they find what they expect, and really really want to right now, because of how much you pissed off practically every level of management in the Afterlife, your file gets shredded and you get bounced from here to a plot in Ms. Deetz's psyche, nothing but an echo of your frankly suicidal attempt to cheat the system..."  
Everyone who had spent more than a century as a spirit knew of Capones, named after the mob boss who got stiffed on tax evasion. A relatively minor misdemeanour, but it meant they could investigate even deeper, and, invariably, prosecute them for all the crimes they did.  
In his case, they'd prosecute him on his whole bio-exorcism gig, and the multitude of things he did wrong involving said gig. They only chose Lydia since she was the only person alive and sane who actually had interacted with him in the past decade, so had a way into Downtown. There was a raft of physical and mental deaths on his tab, and, if this went to trial, they were going to throw all of them at him. And not metaphorically.

"But, if they don't, THEN It's Exorcism, right? I still broke the rules..." Beetlejuice stated, turning to head for the door, "Call me when Judge Mental wants to see me burn..."  
"_Un_-fortunately, No, It's not..." Juno groused, Beetlejuice's neck cracking as the fact her demeanour had slipped hit him, "If they don't, Our esteemed landlady will get you a signed apology for the sand worm, and the Maitlands get a few years added to their haunting time, you walk out of that door and you no longer have to deal with Afterlife Affairs for the foreseeable future..."  
Beetlejuice was thankful that the dead didn't get whiplash. _No-one had ever got a full-on **pardon** when Caponed, ever._ She just stated, if the investigation into this case fell through, and they'd always been able to throw the book at the poor sap, no exceptions, he was getting ****_exactly what he'd wanted.  
_"A full pardon?!" Beetlejuice declared, genuinely shocked, "OK, So, spill... What's got Internal Affairs going for the death sentence or a full pardon as the options?"  
"Right now, three different departments, except Internal Affairs itself, are going over the whole Maitland situation with a fine tooth comb to see who fucked up, where, and how. Your file, as well as that of Ms. Deetz, are currently seized by order of Internal Affairs," Juno stated, "The only people who get to look at them are myself, our esteemed landlady, and that's only because of this interview, and anyone within those departments specifically involved in the case,"  
"Jeez, That'll take them hours... Are they going from the Bl..." Beetlejuice began, rambling for a moment, then stopped as he properly heard her, "Wait, Why are they looking through her file? She did nothing wrong... Hell, she's probably barely got a file..."  
He then paused, looking thoughtful, as he considered a few things she might have done for him that weren't exactly legal. "OK, Maybe she didn't go anything wrong that wasn't my fault to begin with..." Beetlejuice admitted, "But her file's clean!"  
"Something's just not right here. She profiled as the classic wrist-cutter. Emotionally distant, immersed deep with the gothic sub-culture. They cleared out the office next door ready for her..." Juno stated, Beetlejuice nodding as he agreed with her summary of Lydia, until she glared at him with white-hot fury, "Something… or a certain Some-ONE… changed… EVERYTHING!"  
"She has come off the Suicide List? What the?" Beetlejuice snapped, genuinely confused, "Look, the only thing I did was that damn contract, and it blew up in my face… Personally, I blame the Maitlands, the contract wouldn't have processed..."  
"Ah, the contract... Let's see..." Juno stated, taking out a pair of reading glasses as she drew out a sheet of paper, "This one piece of paper is why we have so many people looking over it. This is a copy, the originals are in both of your files. Good trick that, however you did it..."  
She began reading. "I, B. Geuse, agree to protect the Maitland Family from exorcism by her parents and friends... Wow, how charitable..." Juno drawled, "In exchange, L. Deetz ag..."  
Her temper seemed to flare up, and the paper abruptly burst into flames, before a new copy appeared beside her. "Well, Now I know why Internal Affairs wants you so far down, you'll be a figment of someone's imagination..." Juno growled, "You really fucked up making a deal like that... You know how illegal they are..."  
"Yeah, but she blew me off. She got cold feet, because the Maitlands pretty much stated I was scum with a capital-S. Admittedly, When you put it like that, I'd broken the contract pretty much by then. They were half-dead and I was using my juice on them to get them to not to banish me... Didn't expect the lady to bring a fucking sand worm, but that's karma..." Beetlejuice stated, calmly and with firm conviction, "So, Breach of contract, minimum. Open-and-shut… Yes, they can throw the book at me over what the contract is, but that's different..."  
Juno sighed, getting up and making sure the door was locked, flipping a card on the door to show she wasn't taking any more appointments unless there was an Act Of God. She then paused, before getting out a pen, editing it to change it to 'Even if there was an Act Of God'.  
"Here's the big problem, Mr. Geuse… Contracts checked it over, early into the investigation. You had no way to stop them trying to bring back the dead, Hell, if you had, you'd have broken a different set of laws... But you weren't in breach for that. You will get a minor bit of community service, probably a really scummy job _in the mortal world_ for a few years if the Capone doesn't kill you," Juno stated, cancelling out Beetlejuice's faked rigor mortis with an annoyed wave of her hand.  
"OK, So the contract part's clean as a whistle... First time for everything..." Beetlejuice offered, Juno nodding.  
"The really annoying part is the Marriage Department. It's why the investigation is stalled. The priest you summoned, yes, he said there were some issues..." Juno stated, "When isn't there when a corpse attempts to marry a living person? However, he cannot, for the death of him, be completely sure that he'd not completed enough of the vows to declare you, for all intents and purposes, married… Internal Affairs thinks he's stalling for something, which is why they're busy leaning on him..."  
"Odd for a priest to not want to say something..." Beetlejuice pondered.  
"If that priest finally gets his brain in gear and declares he didn't finish the sentence, nullifying the marriage, They prosecute for the whole shebang, You're in Down Town," Juno stated, "Whatever happens though, you've overstepped your boundaries, your bio-exorcism gig is finished. The Maitlands will happily be character witnesses with Judge Mental, and even if he doesn't go for that, you're guilty of the whole thing, you're out of a job..."  
"So, what if the priest DID finish the sentence?" Beetlejuice stated, knowing quite how many spirits had ended up disappearing for millenia in that strange unreality.  
"Off the record, and unofficially, Your criminal record would be erased, your record translated into a really poor career in the mortal world for a while as karma gets to play with your life for a bit," Juno stated, "However, You also get one of the greatest pay-offs ever..."

If he could look any more rigid than rigor mortis, Beetlejuice would do. On one hand, he was looking at several very heavy crimes, like making an illegal contract with a living person, attempted marriage to a living person, several breaches of the bio-exorcism 'contract', which had only been made due to him messing with a town once, and several other things which, added up, would get him sent to the purgatory for those who were already dead, lost in the memories of when he was around, unable to do anything.  
On the other hand, he was looking at them tearing up his file, the bio-exorcism contract, this one, several other things he didn't want to ever discuss with anyone ever, all of that no longer his problem. He could end up getting fully resurrected, that would depend on how they intepreted things after the contract had been resolved and the paperwork that it created got out of Afterlife Affairs. 50% chance it would happen before Lydia died of natural causes, but he doubted it. However, what mattered was that Juno just told him he might have got away with it.

"One question, before I go back outside and pick up that really long number and wait for Internal Affairs to call me..." Beetlejuice asked, "Why are they even doing all this checking?"  
"The reason? It should have put up a red flag, since you made a contract with a living person. You don't interact with the living!" Juno snapped, "Anyway, It didn't, which is what's causing the problem. Anyway, Before you go, I've got to ask you some questions... Have you ever haunted or had a bio-exorcism job anywhere near any member of the Deetz family prior to this case to the best of your knowledge?"  
"No," Beetlejuice replied, slumping in the chair. Well, might as well get this part of it over with.  
"OK, That's good..." Juno stated, noting something down on a piece of Internal Affairs paperwork, "Was there any reason you decided to request the deal?"  
"She did it first. She saw me on the Maitland's ruddy town diorama..." Beetlejuice grumbled. There was then a loud snap, Juno tossing the broken remains of her pen to one side before retrieving a new one.  
"Repeat that..." Juno stated, her tone turning frosty, "You know the regulations..."  
"I know the regulations, Sheesh... The kid saw me on a model the Maitlands had been working on of the town, We got talking, she wanted in, I wanted out, we made the deal..." Beetlejuice began, Juno holding up her hand.  
"Now I know you're lying," Juno stated, "No living person would make that kind of deal, even a wrist-cutter like she was..."  
"Hell, Juno, she could understand the book, she saw me..." Beetlejuice sighed, "Fuck, as I said, I certainly can't remember haunting them, but... June-bug, Here's the thing... It sure feels like I _did_..."  
"_Get me Ms. Deetz's file… NOW!"_ Juno snapped. She frowned at the fact it was thicker than any living person's file should be. Now Beetlejuice knew something was up. He was expecting a few sheets, including the contract. Not something that suggested multiple interactions with the afterlife.  
"_L. Deetz (Geuse?)_… How cute. Someone flambé that clerk… _Date of first interaction_..." She read, going to the nearby calendar. Beetlejuice waited as she got up and exited the office. He looked at the calendar. He'd not been gone long, about a year or so. Probably some big disaster happened. He swiped a newspaper and got down to reading.  
"_HOW COULD YOU FORGET TO CHECK THE DATE?!"_ Juno's voice yelled from outside, shaking the windows. Beetlejuice looked outside, to see Juno looking furious. Clearly something wasn't right in the afterlife. What about the date of his first interaction with her meant Juno was angry at someone else?!  
He looked at the file, then looked at the date. Waitaminute... That couldn't be right! He checked the calendar, checked the paper, checked the folder. What was even _he_ missing?!?


End file.
